Your anaconda don’t.

That’s right. Another article about Nicki Minaj’s video “Anaconda”.

I’ll be honest, I hadn’t even heard the song in it’s entirety when I started hearing about how ‘nasty’ and ‘slutty’ the video was. Naturally, I had to watch. And I fucking loved it. Sure, the dancing was risque and Minaj and her dancers were scantily clad, but welcome to show biz folks. Plus, in reference to the dancing, spend a weekend evening in any club, you’ll get the same show. I’m losing my focus here. Anyway, these are small things when you watch the video prepared. I was prepared, prepared to be disgusted, to experience some serious female degradation. By the end though, I was nothing but impressed. Allow me to explain.

Let’s start with the lyrics. THE LYRICS. The entire song is about various men she has conquered, reduced to a lusty mess because of her amazing posterior; about all the things she got from them because they were mesmerized by her body. The lyrics are quite empowering; throughout the song SHE is in control of her sexuality. “He love my sex appeal”, she’s acknowledging her own sexual attractiveness, is proud of it and the power it gives her. There are actually very few lines from “Baby Got Back” featured in the chorus of this song, one of which being “oh my gosh, look at her butt”; I feel that’s a middle finger to the male gaze; because that’s the only thing you’ll be doing to Ms. Minaj’s butt, my friends… looking.

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Moving on to the video. Firstly, I love that she and her dancers are dressed the same way, and dancing together. She’s not above them or better than them; she’s with them, their buns are equally as powerful. I don’t understand the people saying this video is demeaning. If you can look passed the shaking booties for five bloody seconds you might see the point. Anyone who can’t is one of the many this video is meant to call out. For example, the fruit scene. Minaj is meant to be making a smoothie or something, whipped cream ends up on her chest (to distract the mouth breathing male viewer), then she holds a banana suggestively near her mouth… and cuts it into pieces.

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… Okay, I couldn’t resist.

 

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The message this scene is meant to convey is your “anaconda don’t” have any relevancy here, buddy. Anaconda, though named for Baby Got Back is not only doing a 180 on the meaning of the classic, but is also completely shattering the male gaze. Sir Mix a Lot informs us that he only likes women with big bums, Minaj let’s everyone know that big bums are fantastic, that she’s used hers to lure unsuspecting men into traps etc; but hers is not here for you or your ‘anaconda’.

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Then Drake walks in. This scene was THE best. He barely moves the entire time, she is twerking and dancing like mad all over him, the floor, what have you. She is in control of the situation, of her sexuality, of what happens next. And what happens next is that after all the ‘suggestive’ dancing, he tries to touch her and gets his hand slapped away. Because… and I’m gonna write this in caps for reasons. HER OUTFIT AND/OR DANCING DOESN’T MEAN YOU ARE ENTITLED TO ANYTHING, HUN. Her desirability does not equal availability; nor is it up for comment. It belongs to her and she’ll do with it what she pleases; so sit small, hun. Pun intended.

Jessica

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Obligations To Your Country Rant 2

First of all, there are a few business items I must take care of. To those who don’t know, today is Jessica’s BIRTHDAY! She’s old, so old, she’s got a quarter-life crisis going on. But I’ve come to take care of that, I have a pretty message for her below (from her man Dean):

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OK, now onto my petty ranting. I recently finished exams (GO ME! I survived comprehensives!) but leading up to it I wasn’t paying any sort of attention to drama back at home in The Bahamas. However, once I’d come up for air and finished I realised that I need to get my big-girl pants on and go job hunting once again. In a previous post I’ve explored my conflicting desire to stay in the UK but feeling an obligation to return home and work.

Now that I am faced with that dilemma I’m taking a really passive-aggressive stance to it, I’m applying to jobs in the UK and in The Bahamas and will ultimately follow the money (I’ve got loans y’all, and RBC don’t play with people that don’t pay their loans back). In this job search though, some people have felt the need to lecture me about my being a bad “Bahamian” for not immediately jumping on the go-home bandwagon.

I am not a fan of including .gifs into posts, but this one is applicable. To all those that lecture me on brain drain and why I’m a ‘bad’ Bahamian.

I’ve got a few things to say to all of those people bringing on the hate:

Panic! Brain drain being both a concern and an insult:

So the first order of ranting begins with the notion of brain drain. I believe in it, I’ve seen it happen. A lot of my friends who left to go to school abroad never went back home or if they do, it’s not to work but just to visit family. I get it, it’s a big concern! How can a country function if all of it’s educated people choose to leave to seek better jobs elsewhere (let’s pay attention to that term ok: better jobs elsewhere). However, I don’t think it should be lorded over people who choose to stay abroad. People have reasons OK! Be it lifestyle (you can’t exactly call The Bahamas terribly accepting of difference), or better opportunities. If you want to stopbrain drain you have to create diverse opportunities for people (note: DIVERSE).

Another thing that pisses me off about this is it is also completely insulting for the people who have either chosen to stay in The Bahamas or have no choicebut to stay in the country. It isn’t easy to leave (money and visas, oye  vey, that’s another rant) and it’s insulting to say that the best and the brightest are gone. This inherently implies that only the not-best and not-brightest are left within the country. Which isn’t fair on the people who live and work and breathe an existence into The Bahamas! The best and brightest are at home and they’re also abroad! Stop focusing on brain drain as a best vs. not best debate. I’d feel more comfortable if the debate was framed as people are leaving because of lack of jobs in general. Don’t blame the people who are leaving, blame the structure man.

Diversity and education:

Another rant in this brain drain debate is tied to education I believe. I study anthropology. To make matters worse, I specialise in a particularly small and obscure branch of anthropology. So obscure there are three programs in the world that offer degrees in it. I left The Bahamas because COB didn’t offer anthropology and it sure as heck wasn’t going to offer anything as obscure as my specialty. So the government and all the higher ups are worried about people leaving? How about you give them an incentive to stay and I don’t know… offer a diversity of fields? I understand that COB is a small school but if you want to get it up to university status they’re going to have to offer a greater range of subjects. I mean broadening the social science department, arts, languages, natural sciences, etc. I love that COB offers a range of technical fields or professional degrees, but we need a greater diversity.

I shouldn’t have to leave my country because I’m not willing to compromise on what I want to study. I want to study what I love and I should be given an opportunity to do so here.

Ummm… are there any jobs?

We’re more than just accountants or lawyers or nurses or doctors. Sometimes, a Bahamian goes into a super obscure field and even if they wanted to return home, where the hell are the jobs (in general)? There certainly won’t be a job for that super obscure field.  So don’t come to me and yell about how is The Bahamas supposed to get better if all the good people leave. I know. I am aware. I am very aware but if no one gives me the opportunity to get a job that will meet my personal and professional goals, what is my motivation to return? The country needs jobs. And not just more of the same old jobs.

And, to my last point (which I’m a bit ashamed of even saying but I have to survive yo) can the company pay me what I deserve to be paid? A company in the UK can pay what a person with an MSc deserves to get paid, and honestly, not a lot of placed in The Bahamas can do that. This isn’t fair on The Bahamas or me, but I am willing to take a pay reduction to return home for the sake of adverting brain drain, but not such a huge pay cut that I’m being paid what someone without a degree is being paid. I worked hard for this MSc and I want to reap its benefits.

Transnationalism and supporting from abroad:

This is the last rant in a too-long post. My hand hurts, so I know y’all eyes are hurting (and if you made it this far, HURRAH! You’re a super reader and I commend you for putting up with my whining!). OK this point really sticks it to me: you can support your country transnationally. GASP! Say it ain’t so! Yes. You can. In all seriousness, I know The Bahamas needs bodies to improve but there are other ways of assisting the country from outside of its borders.

I know many academics who, though working abroad, feature The Bahamas exclusively in their writing nad teaching. What is this doing? Raising awareness of Bahamian art and culture. I’m writing my MSc thesis on The Bahamas,. I plan to do my PhD on The Bahamas. I was even thinking of starting some kind of consultancy business to help students interested in studying something “different” (and by different I mean outside of the medical-law-tourism trinity we seem to tout) figure out how to do so (anyone interested?) I know these don’t bring large quantities of dollar bills into the country but it’s a form of mental support. Plus, money flows internationally, money leaves and enters the country and it’s people from the Bahamian diaspora, to disregard their financial contributions to the nation is ignorant. Money flows and as long as people have love for The Bahamas, it will always go into it.

OK I’m tired. I know this is a ramble, but I hope it’s a ramble that makes sense. I’m just annoyed that people would try to make me feel guilty for trying to support myself and my family.

ClaireSig

STUPID-stitious…it can’t have legs!

So I totally slacked off on this week’s post and didn’t remember it until sometime this morning.  I messaged Jessica and asked her for a topic idea in hopes that she would maybe offer to take on this week’s post (LOL) but instead, she replied with, “Uhhmmm. Well its Friday the 13th.  And a full moon.”

Anyone who knows me knows that I am quite possibly the most superstitious person you will ever meet.  When I think about it too hard it’s kinda weird because I also like to think of myself as a pretty spiritual (and kinda religious) person and the two really don’t go together.  But for whatever reason, I’m just weird in that way (and many others…but that’s another topic for another day).  I have been this way since I was a little girl and though I don’t know exactly when, I do know that it all started with my mother who taught me most of these crazy beliefs and I picked up a few of my own along the way.

Seeing that today is Friday the 13th, I would not under any circumstances be caught on an airplane because this is the unluckiest of all days of the year.

I would also never throw any bottle, jar or container in the trash without first taking off the cover.

If I’m walking next to someone and we are walking towards a pole, I ensure that we do not allow it to split us, because of course, this is also bad luck.  All persons must stay to one side of the pole.

I do not kill crickets, because according to my mother, that is also bad luck.  Neither do I sweep dirt out of the front door past sunset…bad luck also.

Speaking of the sun, I pray that whenever (or if ever) the day comes that I am to be married, the weather is absolutely beautiful and there is no sign of rain or I assure you that there will be no wedding that day.  My mother always said, “blessed is the dead that it rains upon and cursed is the bride”.  I have convinced myself that this is the reason why in most movies, whenever there is a funeral scene, there is almost always rain (and black umbrellas).  I also find a bit of comfort (call me crazy) in the fact that early on the morning of my mother’s funeral and afterward, it rained.  It also goes without saying that I would never open an umbrella inside the house as this will also cause bad luck.

Everyone knows that breaking a mirror is the ultimate…..a sentence of SEVEN years of bad luck.  And should you ever accidentally knock the salt over, you must be sure to throw a bit over your shoulder.  I am so insane about my superstitions that when my daughter was just over a year old, while we were eating dinner at a restaurant she knocked the salt shaker over.  Of course I put a little salt in my hand and threw it over her shoulder – it’s only right…wouldn’t want the poor child to be cursed with bad luck!

Ever put your dress on and then notice that it has a little hole or snag that can easily be fixed in a few seconds by quickly sewing it up? Better take that dress off and sew it because sewing clothes that you’re already wearing is also bad luck.

(As I sit here writing this, it is becoming so painfully obvious to me why most of my family and friends think I’m insane….and now, you probably do too.)

I don’t know if its right to call them all superstitions, because I believe that superstitions are mostly related to practices that lead to good or bad luck, but besides those I’ve already mentioned, I (kinda) believe a lot of other crazy notions….

You should not walk backwards or wear your mother’s shoes as in doing so it is said that you are “walking your mother to her grave”.  Can I just tell you how I FREAK out and scream at her to stop whenever my daughter does any of those!

Everyone knows that you knock on wood when you say something that has not happened…and you do not wish for it to happen. (I think….I can’t really explain that one any better but you know what I mean!)  As I’m writing this Jessica just remembered to tell me, after over 20 years of my knocking on wood, that whatever the wooden structure is that you knock on in this case CAN’T HAVE LEGS! (fml!)

You should never wear a ring on your ‘ring finger’ of your left hand unless you are married….or you will never be married. Also, wearing a necklace with a cross as the charm at all times will also reserve you a spot in the “NEVER MARRIED” section.  (don’t ask….it’s what my mother told me! If it helps, my mother was never married and always wore a cross charm on her necklace)

Whenever your necklace somehow moves around your neck and the latch meets the charm, that means that someone is thinking about you.

When your right hand is itching you are going to receive money (and you shouldn’t scratch it!) and when your left hand is itching it means that you’re gonna pay!  You are going to cry if your right eye is twitching and you will see someone you haven’t seen in a long time if it’s your left eye. (I probably have those mixed up, but you get my point)

If you want to change your luck, you should travel by boat to a different country because apparently “crossing oceans” will do this for you.

If you have a dream about a number and want to tell someone, you should never say the number out loud (if you plan on playing it) because this is bad luck.  You should find a pen and write the number down.

Whenever you hear that ringing sound in your ears someone is talking about you and if you say someone’s name without meaning to (for example, if you’re talking to Jessica and instead of calling her “Jessica”, you for some strange reason call her “Kimberley”…it means that Kimberley just called your name.

If you dream about a dead person and they are trying to get you to come with them somewhere you should never go because this means that they are calling you to your death.  (I don’t know anyone who this has been tested on so don’t ask).

As I said earlier, I am realizing more and more as I write this how crazy I am, so I think it’s about time to wrap this up before the Sandilands staff puts a warrant out for me (do they issue warrants?..anyways).

Last but not least, you will have bad dreams if you sleep with your arms folded in an ‘X’ over your chest, and come to think of it, I believe this all came about when I was a little girl and one night before bed I wanted a banana.  I asked my mum if I could have one and she said no.  I asked her why….her response: “It will give you bad dreams!”

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Make progress, not excuses.

No, this post isn’t about exercise. As if. Now, I hate to admit this, but this article began with an argument over a Tyler Perry movie. During a particular scene, one character was being shitty to their spouse, I won’t say which because if one more person defends them I am going to scream. I outwardly called this person a colourful name, because, well… I’m me; and my friend, who has seen this movie countless times tells me “you can’t say that, because so and so did xyz to them and they’re just lashing out.”

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Say what now?

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…that means he wasn’t being a dickhead? Someone was shitty to you in the past, so that means you can be shitty to other people and not be called out? To quote the recently crowned winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race, Bianca Del Rio, “not today, Satan”. Bad things happen to people all the time, some worse than others, some unspeakable, but it doesn’t earn you a free pass to be a dickhead. And a spade shall be called a spade. Sorry about it.

And since everything in my world at the moment is a Game of Thrones reference, allow me to explain you a thing about Tyrion Lannister. THIS guy right here…

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was given a shit hand his entire life, his father admitted to almost drowning him right after birth, his sister wanted him dead from that same time, and no one in his general vicinity hesitates to make sure he’s aware just how little they think of him all because of something out of his control. And yet, through all of this he’s managed to grow up into a genuinely good person. If anything, those negative experiences made him MORE understanding and more sympathetic.  He could easily treat everyone like shit and there will be people to say “he’s been through a lot”.

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This is not to say that those bad things that happened in the past should be forgotten or that they didn’t matter, they did, and they do; but they do not give you a license to be awful to someone as a result.  As Philip Zimbardo (the man who carried out the Stanford Prison Experiment, read about it here) put it, “psychology is not excusiology. What I’m saying is, we can understand what the social psychological processes of transformation were operative in that situation. It does not excuse the behaviour.” So, though current behaviour can be explained, be understood, it doesn’t mean it is to be excused; you are still accountable for your actions. I understand why you might have been lead to do what you did, but it doesn’t mean you weren’t being a dickhead.

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At the same time, these actions do not make you a bad person. Good people do shitty things sometimes, more often than they like to or even mean to, welcome to being human my friend. Everyone (including you and I) has hurt someone in their lifetime; on purpose or otherwise. Apologise and move right along. Accepting that you did a shitty thing does not mean you have to consider yourself a bad person; and making excuses about why you did said shitty thing doesn’t mean the action was cancelled; it happened, and it should be dealt with accordingly. When my nephews misbehave I tell them, “I love you, what I don’t love right now is your behaviour”; because it’s the truth. Let’s be real, they’d have to develop into serial killing sociopaths for me to maybe love them less. A broken glass, stained carpet, or the odd tantrum won’t have much of an effect on that, but they will still accept the consequences of their actions.

 I feel like was a lot of rambling… but I hope I got my point across in a non-asshole kinda way. Basically, don’t act like a dick, and if you slip up it doesn’t make you a bad person, once you aren’t afraid to admit when you’ve behaved like a dick, and don’t get mad/defensive or make excuses when people confront you about it. Capisce? Accept, apologise, move on.  It’s not fun, but it’s necessary. After all, what’s the alternative? A lot of people in pain, for nothing.

 

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Jessica

“I’d rather be a bitch than a doormat.”

Title quote is from Jessica Zafra.

I’ll admit, I was at a bit of a loss for what to write about this week. And then I came across this video…

Edit: Just before this post was to be published youtube removed the video because it violated their policy that prohibits content designed to harass, bully or threaten. YOUTUBE KNOWS. The video depicted a beach filled with tourists and normal beach stuff, while the cameraman narrated. He’s heard saying something along the lines of “wow, what a beautiful day! Still doesn’t look as good as your ass!” The woman that this comment was directed at promptly turned around and asked him to delete the video. He said no as it was a public beach and if she doesn’t want to be looked at, commented on and recorded then she shouldn’t dress like that. IMAGINE THAT, A BIKINI ON A BLOODY BEACH, WHAT A SLUT, AM I RIGHT?! (do note the sarcasm). Various people around them made similar comments, even women. However, she stood her ground; when he wouldn’t stop or delete the video she knocked the camera out of his hand and he runs into the street to get away from her. Hats off to you, lady! She didn’t go to that beach for you to comment on and record her behind. So invite you to have a seat.

Harassment aside, no one has any right to film someone and use said footage without permission. That was douchebaggery plain and simple. Moving on; the gentleman (read: dickhead) who posted it calls it a ‘freak out’. See, here’s the thing, I’ve had less tame reactions to street harassment than this. My absolute favourite though belongs to my cousin. This year, we’ve started walking a few miles every day; and as you can imagine there’s no shortage of ‘men’ shouting various obscenities, blowing kisses, honking etc. Any old how, one day, we stop to gush and squeal at some dogs being walked. As we stop, so did a car full of men. The driver of said car did the whole, eyebrow wiggling, big grin, kissy noise thing. Without missing a beat, I mean before ya boy was even able to open his mouth to speak my cousin shouted “you better fucking be talking to these dogs!”

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I didn’t catch his exact reaction because I was too busy keeling over in a fit of laughter, but when I emerged he was long gone. This particular incident as well as the incident in the video are examples of what women everywhere go through on a regular basis. And god forbid we not be pleased to be treated this way.

On another walking occassion a man did the same kissy noise at us and again, without missing a beat, as if practised we each held up a particular finger in his direction. He shouted back “yall so rude!”

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WE’RE RUDE?? Listen, take that noise elsewhere. You act like an ass towards me, you get it right back. Sorry I’m not sorry. I don’t care what your motives are, I’m not here for you. Public sidewalk, public beach or not, I am not public. Call me rude all you want, what I’m not is a play thing. I’m not exactly scary or intimidating; I’m a short young woman, but street harassment will never receive a positive reaction from me. You will be ignored, embarrassed in front of your boys and/or spoken to like dog shit.

More examples from my everyday life (for you to adopt or simply get a giggle from):

Idiot: Hi sweetness, I could talk to you for a minute?
Me: To what purpose?
Idiot: …
Me: I guess not.

Another idiot: HEY LOVELY!
Me: HEY OGLY!

Yet another idiot: Ay! Mango!
Me: I AM NOT A FUCKING FRUIT!

Oh wow, look at that another idiot: Hey baby, you just my size, I could get your number?
Me: No.
Idiot: What happen? You married aye?
Me: No.
Idiot: You have a boyfriend?
Me: No.
Idiot: …
Me: No.

Idiot who thinks this is a compliment: Hey chunky!
Me: Hey bald spot!

 Those are just a few of the clean examples; the disgusting things men think they can shout at strangers has and will always amaze me. I’ve had men follow me around shops despite my many protests and rude remarks, for them to only stop dead in their tracks when they walk outside to see my 6 foot plus, tattooed, brick shithouse of a cousin in the car waiting for me. Another occasion, with the same cousin (let’s call him Ian), only this time in the back seat not the passenger side, I was stopped at a gas station and the man across from me started doing the whole kissy thing. Ian who is unable to be seen due to the tints in the back, says very calmly, “Jessica I really don’t know how you put up with this. He’s calling you like you’re a dog.” I was prepared to just ignore the man but Ian says “Jessica, don’t let him talk to you like that!” Still, I said nothing. Fed up, Ian leans over me and says “She ain’t no fucking dog!” The pure fear on that man’s face was one of the best things I’ve ever witnessed. And it made me realise that none of these ‘men’ are concerned with my feelings, they’re not scared or intimidated when I ignore them, or make snappy remarks. Twas then that I decided to stop being passive and to fight back, the only way that I physically could, by shouting, swearing, being as loud and vulgar as they are. It shouldn’t take another man to get them to stop.

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I’d like to encourage the rest of you to take this stance. Make your annoyance known; once it’s in a way that you still feel safe, let em have it! We’ve taken their shit long enough, and we’re throwing it back!

 Jessica

If I Was You I Would Hate Me Too!

There is a popular Oprah Winfrey quote, “You can’t be friends with someone who wants your life”…this could not be more true.  You cannot hang with people who are envious of you and what you have, or what they think you have.  Sometimes friendships are formed because of certain circumstances; work, church; or even through relatives, but if the friendship isn’t real and formed genuinely, it can never work.

I remember my mother always would say to me, “you’re too nice…everybody is not your friend”.  I won’t lie, I can be the ultimate bitch when I’m pushed in that dire20d18ee697dedd0b23365a095c66a3e5ction, but when I like someone, I like them.  And I know the reason my mother always told me that I was too nice is because whenever I meet someone new, if there is something that I can do to help them, I almost always am willing to do it, even if it puts me out of my way.  Because of this, it’s easy for that kindness to be taken advantage of.  There is another saying that says, “some people don’t want to be your friend, they just want the benefits of being your friend’.  These people are just there to take whatever it is that they can get out of you, not realizing that to have a friend you must first be a friend.  As in every relationship, there has to be a fair exchange of give and take, and some people are just too comfortable with always being the takers.  They’re the ones who always need a favour, but when the tables are turned, they’re nowhere to be found.

b1b0cb521b312d85909ae0d14a2876a5 Surround yourself with only people who genuinely care about you and only want what is best for you because those are the people who truly matter.  And it is during those times that you will be able to tell who is true and who isn’t.  Even if your true friend is having a rough day, news of something good happening for you will still make them happy for you, despite their own personal situation.  I remember when I found out I was pregnant.  I hadn’t been in my relationship at the time for very long and definitely did not plan my pregnancy, and so it came as a big surprise to me.    At the same time, one of my very best friends had been married for a few years and she and her husband had been trying for a while to have a baby.  Because of this I felt guilty to let her know of my pregnancy, knowing that she was having a hard time.  Immediately upon her learning of my pregnancy, she was so elated for me.  Despite her own personal circumstances, she was thrilled that I would be having a baby soon.  Every single day all throughout the day she checked on me and my growing baby constantly.  She was genuinely happy for me.  She wasn’t jealous, even though I’m sure she probably had moments where she might have wished it could happen for her as well.  But she knew that her time would come.

A phony person can never be empathetic towards you.  It always has to be about them.  There is a saying, “They want to see you doingdabddab8357b11ac542dfc07767ab511 good, but never better than them”, which is so true about these kinds of people in your life.  They are those persons who pretend to be in your corner but are truly just wishing they could have your life.  They are the ones who are in your boat but secretly drilling holes behind your back because they cannot stand to see good things happen for you simply because they are jealous and want it for themselves.  They allow their own personal insecurities to manifest into hate towards you.  Everything positive that you have going for you, they’re mad about it and wishing it were them instead.

You have a job and they’re having a hard time finding one, so they’re mad at you. You’re in a loving and happy relationship but their partner is constantly putting them down, making them feel miserable about themselves and they know they’re settling, so they’re mad at you.  You have your priorities in order and are taking care of your business but they choose to spend their money on social outings, new clothes and weave, so they’re mad at you.  You’re in great shape but they’re struggling with their body image, so they’re mad at you.  You have beautiful, healthy hair but they wouldn’t dare to leave the house without weave and they have no edges, so they’re mad at you.  Because they have sa6cad4d23967b2590df76488c100c58bo many insecurities they don’t even know how to be happy for anyone.  They want everyone to do and keep doing just as bad as they are.  They don’t understand that everyone has their season and just because it’s happening for you right now doesn’t mean that it will never happen for them.  People who truly care for you want you to do good, even if things aren’t going their way right now.

The saddest thing about these people is that they’re so caught up in their own insecurities that they don’t even realize that that’s all it is….THEIR problem.  Because they are so insecure they create these little dramas in their minds about the people around them (like you) whose lives are going so much better than their own. Rather than trying to fix what’s wrong in their own life, they continue to hate you for living yours happily.  What’s even worse, once they’ve allowed their insecurities and jealousy to get the best of them and their true feelings about you are revealed, it’s impossible for them to own up to it because then they would be seen as the insecure and jealous person that they are, and hey, let’s face it, nobody wants to be that loser.  And God forbid you call them out on their behaviour because then you would be the big bad guy, or for lack of a better word, the bully, which leaves them as the innocent victim that everyone automatically feels sorry for because they’re the one whose life sucks anyway.

Though I’m no expert, I do know that in my experience the best thing you can do for these people is to pray for them and let them go.  Remove them from your life and just hope that one day they can find whatever it is that will make them happy.  They say that there is no such thing as losing a real friend.  I believe that this is true, because real friends can never be lost, and a friend who turns into an enemy has been hating from the jump.  The people who leave your life are people who were never meant to stay in it to begin with.  And there is no reason to feel bad about that either.  After all, your life is a better place without them anyway.

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Kim3

You can’t sit with us!

For the few of you who didn’t recognise the title, it’s a quote from one of the most quotable movies of all time; Mean Girls, because today’s topic (rant) is bullying! We all know at least one bully, or have seen someone be bullied or have been bullied ourselves. It can happen in any situation; home, school, work, anywhere! Yay…

Most bullies are the standard, ‘insecure about xyz and takes it out on an unsuspecting victim’ kind, but there are sub-groups. There’s the ‘jealous bully’. The kid failing class who decides to pick on the straight A student. Pretty straight forward, right? Practically vanilla.

Then there’s the ‘self hate bully’. Freud believed that people often despise and are most hateful of things that they secretly crave. So the tough guy whose always bullying gay guys? Freud would argue that it’s because of his repressed homosexuality. Researchers at the University of Georgia would agree, read about their study here, it’s bloody fantastic stuff; really.

Now, all forms of bullying are wrong, I think we’d all agree. However the worst kind of bully is the one who smiles while rubbing salt in your wounds, the one who is your best friend in public but spews venom elsewhere, the one whose abuse ends with “just saying”, “I was only kidding, relax!” or “why are you so sensitive?”; this, ladies and gentlemen is called victim blaming. They’re not mean, you’re just sensitive.

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I find this kind of bully to be particularly repulsive because at least the others know that they’re bullies; this one paints themselves as the victim. They turn the blame to the real victim by saying things like “why do you have to take it so seriously” or give ass backwards apologies like “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

The other day, I went to pick up my little brother from soccer practice and while I sat there waiting for him I saw two little girls playing. Well, one girl was playing, the other was bullying. She kept tossing sand at the other, taking her stuff etc. Until finally, the first girl stands up for herself and tells the other to stop. To which she responded “I’m leaving because you’re being mean to me!”

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She genuinely believed that by this little girl standing up for herself, not taking her shit/calling her on it, she was being mean. I just… can’t. AND I’ll let you in on a little secret (that’s probably not actually a secret), these girls (or boys) grow into adults with the same attitude. Jenna from MTV’s Awkward phrased it perfectly, ‘mean girls don’t grow up, they just get older.’ These are the people who respond to ANY negative criticism by calling you a hater. Haters exist mind you, but you have to be self aware enough to tell the difference between criticism and hating.

If someone tells you that something you said/did bothered them and you dismiss their feelings and continue to say/do it; you’re a bully and you can’t sit with us. Not only are you a bully, but you’re the Regina George of bullies; the worst. “You think everyone is in love with you but actually everybody hates you.”

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Now, anyone who knows me will tell you I’m not trying to say the world is all rainbows and butterflies and everyone should just get along. If you don’t like someone, you don’t like them; but rather than being a prick about it, you can follow these two easy steps that have worked for me.

1. Shut the fuck up.

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2. Walk away.

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It’s that easy! You don’t even have to smile while you do it! Whenever I hear people moan about someone else I just stand there wondering ‘why do you associate with them?’. WHY? That’s because the Regina George’s of the world also have Gretchen’s. Their ‘friends’ who, though they know just how hateful she can be, are still dying for her to like them. Maybe it’s a fear of being on the receiving end of the shit-storm? Who knows!

All I know is it leaves the rest of us like:

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So if you’re a Regina George.

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Everyone has their own pile of problems without someone else throwing more on top. Going out of your way to put someone down is pathetic and just plain mean. It’s also time consuming, I mean…put that time that you spend thinking of them and mean things to say or do into something productive. Knit a friggen sweater for your cat or something. People should be allowed to be who they are, like what they like, like who they like, do what they like (once they aren’t hurting anyone) without your negative opinions coming in from all directions.

SO.

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Because…

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And you must never be afraid to say

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It happens to the best of us. Just apologise and keep it movin’!

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Jessica